20130224
its been 13 days since dad passed on. many spoke to me telling me, sorry for my loss and condolences. i so feel like telling them that, that isn't what i want. and i just want him to be okay again. like how he was 2 years ago. like how strong he was to bring us overseas. sanity brought me back to reality. really appreciate friends who still remember me and just drop a text of concern.
i guess, this feeling of loss will be experience by everyone. just a matter of when. my regret is that, why does it has to be so soon??? it's just unfair that an awesome person who has done alot of good deeds in helping his friends and family, had to leave this world. all in the name of bad health. how do you even consider or keep a good health? back when i was younger, i know he drinks and smokes. because he has to entertain. he is a businessman. and he has many friends who were his customers. he stopped smoking six years ago. because cancer was discovered. still remember back then, i always wondered, why does my dad smoke. and he always smokes salem. and it was always found on the table after our meals at coffee shops. it's good discipline that he doesn't smoke at home. he knows it's for our health that he shouldn't do it at home. and he wasn't a heavy smoker all the while. "social". some people might call it.
when cancer was first found, back in 2007. i was doing my internship with creative eateries. had to rush down to hospital on that day that i received a call from my bro-in-law, informing me that my dad had cancer. to think that i still thought he was kidding for that split second. i rushed home immediately. i still remembered how i was sobbing back then. sobbing at the back of the cab. and thinking that it was the end of the world. and things are changed for good. life was kind enough to give my dad life for the next six years. he was able to go through operation to remove the tumour in his colon. it wasn't easy. he had to go through chemotherapy after that to make sure that there isn't any more cancerous cells along that colon. that procedure already drained some of his healthy cells. i still remember, that was end of the year. during the christmas and new year period. we spent the end of that year in hospital.
then after, my dad changed his mentality in life. enjoyment and passing the business to my bro and sis. my family would frequent macau and hongkong back then. we were even given that once in a life time opportunity to travel on a private jet. all thanks to my dad. my dad who pampers us and doesn't spoil us. that's hard to strike a balance. it was after the discovery of cancer, that drew my family much closer than before. we even went to bintan with my uncle, went to australia last year (despite the bad health because of the hot weather).
my dad, being the tree of the family, has always done his job as a dad. making sure that sunday, family day exists. making sure that the family is present for dinner every sunday. it is a routine that will never be changed. we will still keep to the sunday family dinners. even till we grow old and all. i'm sure. when we were younger, he makes sure he brings us overseas. he brought us to goldcoast, perth, hongkong, macau, thailand, cruise, genting, penang, langkawi, malacca, bintan, batam. so many places. all thanks to him. he gave us a perfect home. financial stability, a roof on our heads, never to go hungry, good clothes to wear. he is my idol. my idol in making a family stay united and loved.
through these six years, i was going through the growing up stage, where by, i started working for my own money. he was always there to encourage me when i didnt have good sales. telling me that things will be better and he is always making me feel good about myself. i wonder if that's real or not. but anyway, i still feel good. and we always talk about cars. prices and all. that's where i learn. but honestly, there's so much more to learn from him. and i really wish that i have more time with him. it's through this growing up, that i drew closer to him. i even consult him for relationship problems. and he always gives that best advice and allowing myself to stand firm on my feet again. he never once felt that i was not good enough. and never once judged me for my doings. least i know, that my family are the ones who supported me the most and have seen all sides of me. the good, the bad, the pretty and the ugly. and they still, stood by me. like it's perfectly fine and i'm just being me.
the past year, was torturous for him. really torturous. and it always leaves me feeling unknown of what to do. when i see him in pain, i feel so helpless. the worst was when he was admitted to ICU because of the hole in his lung. he had those pipes and machine on him to help to keep him alive. his drowsy face. him, being unable to eat and swallow because of the tubes. it would have killed me, if it was me. it was almost a miracle to see him recover from it. from relying a suction device to not using a suction device. he was even breathing with the oximeter showing 99%. it was a moment of joy that cannot be bought. his strong will to recover despite many times, it seemed quite helpless. he was really a strong man. he had to endure the many tumours growing in his body. to the extend that i could even feel the tumours with my bare hands. he always put on a face like it didn't hurt. but i believe, it was really quite uncomfy. and at that point in time, i took it for granted that he was alright.
i was always in the stage of denial and refusal to face that fact that he may leave for good soon. i hate that i actually took it for granted. i hated that i even had to work instead of staying home all the time to keep him company. because, it just didnt struck me that things are happening so soon. reasonable thing i did was to take sundays off. however, i really regret not spending more time at home. treasuring the things that i should have. treasuring the moments with him at home, finding out more about him. i failed to do that. i just feel so full of regrets with him. like i have so much things incomplete with him. and i can't help me rant, it is so unfair. life is so unfair.
till now, the only consoling thing is that he is happier now. happier on the other side where there is no pain. no sleepless nights. no injections. no morphine. and he is free to do whatever he wants. really hope that things are ok on your side papa. i will take care of mommy. and believe you'll be watching over us.
i miss you.
rihs rants; 14:15
